Break day 1

Last night we had a process that was supposed to be really intense and revealing, but it wasn't all that intense for me. It revealed things, but things I already knew. Ana said the less we fought her words, the more we would get out of it, but I just didn't find myself totally convinced at any point. I tried to... maybe that was the problem. I'm not sure if any of my responses were sincere. Part of me feels guilty for not getting into it enough, but the wiser part of me thinks that this just wasn't the right ceremony for me, and that's okay. Maybe I had a moment of clarity. I reached a space of acknowledging that I'd had some negative experiences, but that I'd also been taking an active role in healing them for some time. Ana said we'd glimpsed our sacred selves, and if that's the case... my sacred self is orange, blue and purple, and wants to charge around the country in a sandalwood scented hippie fan making art and picking sage (hey, Diana?). It wants to explore the natural world and it wants total freedom. I'm not sure how that aligns with my passions though -- I'm passionate about art, yes, and nature, but I'm also passionate about helping people, and that usually takes something different from charging around in a van like a wild being.

I think my experience in morning meditation yesterday morning was more revolutionary, but for some reason it has left my mind entirely. I was telling someone about it and had to stop because practice was starting, and didn't get to finish or write it down. The residual feeling was that, yes, my downward spiral into murk the other day was a last hold on the clenching around self I do, and I think I had the sense of unfurling around myself.

But today I woke up feeling hung over and anxious (that is not an unfurled sensation at all). I slept in until 7:30, and had to drag myself out of bed (that's pretty usual) and didn't accomplish much besides going to the business workshop that's scheduled for our two day break. I feel different, in a disillusioned way. I'm not sure what I'm doing here. I feel stuck at my current skill level in teaching and nothing seems to be helping to break me out of it.

I need to learn how to stand up straight. Ana tells me that when I teach I collapse in my chest and that as soon as I do my energy drops. I think I have the muscular strength but my body is not willing to do it. I'm not sure how to fix that. At this point it does seem like more of a habitual refusal than a muscular issue.

I had half a mind to decide I didn't want full certification and to skip the business workshop, but I know if I did that it would be one step into losing hold of this goal altogether and just going home. Suddenly I feel like I don't care. What's that about? Today I just want to live my life. I feel like a normal person all of a sudden. One of the trainees had a potluck tonight in celebration of our small break, and it was good: we did get to hang out like normal people, and vent about the stuff we didn't like and laugh about the stuff we did like about this training.

I have an insane amount of homework to do during the break that was not a break, so I'd best be off and doing it. Here's updated. (Also, I think I dreamed posting this, once).